Cat Lady Rant Part 1

In the not so distant past, I had a real fear of becoming a cat lady. If you knew me then, you know why I feared this and you probably feared for me as well. If you didn't know me then, well, the memories are too terrible to revisit. For the last 10+ years, I've been cat-less. Sure, we've talked about cats, even looked at them, but I could never commit. Until now. Spike loves kitties and the voles pushed me over the edge.

We determined that last Monday was the day we'd get a cat. The kids and I scoped out available cats on the Salt Lake County Animal Shelter website and headed to SLC. (We'd already checked out the Heber shelter. They offered a cat with one eye and another that wouldn't be touched. Also, fun fact, you have to walk past the gas chamber and incinerator to view the animals there.)


When we walked in the SLC shelter, I feared we were in the wrong place. It was a cross between a homeless shelter and a parole hearing. The place was horrible. I'm talking animal pee, barking dogs, crying babies, and really, I'm just going to say it, the lowest forms of human life. Not people who have had bad luck or people who haven't had opportunity for success or even people who have made bad choices. I'm talking about prison hair, gold teeth, tattoos on the face kind of people. There were signs all over indicating that you had to have proof of address to adopt an animal. The primary animal on the arms of most patrons was a pitbull. The place was packed with them. I'm not against pitbulls, but they do make me nervous. Especially given the caliber of people were the "masters" of them.

We got in a line to wait in another line. We listened to fights and watched a couple make out. Carter clung to my leg. Spike buried his head in my shoulder. I tried to remain strong. We finally found the cat room. We tapped on cages, imagined names, smiled and talked to the cats. After much deliberation on the part of the boys and I, we selected three cats we wanted to meet and stood in two more lines to get helped. We were GETTING A CAT!!!

And then it happened. The super mean worker mentioned that our first choice cat had been declawed. I told her we'd skip that cat because I didn't want a declawed cat. "What do you mean?" the super mean employee asked. Note: at this point I took a step forward, as I could feel the breath of the woman with a mullet, 5 inch long nails and blue eye shadow, standing behind me. Her boobs were literally touching my back. The worker paused to tell my shadow AKA-crazy woman, to please step back in line and quit touching me. I explained to the worker that because the cat would go in the back yard that I wanted it to have claws. The worker lost her mind. She in no uncertain terms informed me that it was strictly prohibited to allow cats to go outside. EVER. She went on to explain that people letting cat's paws touch grass are solely responsible for all homeless pets and it is completely irresponsible. She was getting madder by the minute. Where could this be heading?

I backtracked. I said that the cat would be inside 90% of the time (lie...I didn't want it in the house, only the garage). I praised the virtue of our fence and the large field behind the house. I got nowhere. Never mind that the cat would be loved and cared for. Never mind that it would come in the house occasionally and live in a warm garage. Hell, forget the fact that I am a member of society that has never had parole? Forget all of that. I WAS DENIED FOR CAT ADOPTION!! Not only was I denied, but she threw some paper at me and told me to look into a feral cat facility if that was how I was going to take care of the cat. Cats from her shelter only go to, "good homes." Are you kidding me?!!!!!!

The kids sobbed as I drug them, empty handed, out of the shelter. I thought only the worst possible swear words. OK, I said most of them. I told the kids that the shelter woman was horrible and mean and wanted us to be sad. I said a lot of bad things. Jeff arrived, (thinking he was going to meet our new cat) and got an earful of me saying even more bad things. Things were at an all time low. The cat lady was denied a cat. At that moment, I saw two thugs walk out with their new pit bulls.

To be continued......